Communicated in Silence
by Qalets
Summary: After a life changing event Kevin Ryan decides it's time to have a conversation with his partner. Ryan/Esposito.


Another shot at my favourite duo. Turns out I have a style and I like to keep to it. Tried so hard to change but the ideas just kept coming. So if you like this you may like my longer piece "A Thought to Live By" with the same pairing.

* * *

**Communicated in Silence**

He raises his hand to knock.

Then stops, fist outstretched.

Instead he flattens out his fingers to rest his palm against the door. Black. Paint chipped around the edges. The brass 7 of the 7G hanging slightly crooked. He touches it's edge to push it back straight, only to send it sloping in the other direction. He closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. Reminds himself of all the times he's done that before, those moments before a raid, as he steps from the car, rounds the corner into the corridor, takes the left hand flank while his partner takes the right.

His partner.

He raises his hand to knock, this time his knuckles make contact.

The door swings open almost immediately, hinges silent, the 7 sliding back to its original angle. His partner stands in the space it reveals, face in silhouette, unreadable.

"Ryan" Javier Esposito's voice however, speaks volumes.

"Javier" He responds, ignoring surnames.

"Ryan, what do you want?"

"I want to talk to you"

"We've been talking all day" Esposito counters.

"Not about anything important"

"The investigation"

"Yeah?" Ryan asks,

"That's not important?"

"Yeah"

"We caught a killer today" Esposito states.

"I know, I was there"

"That's not important?" He repeats.

"Of course it's important," Ryan falters, wondering, not for the first time, if it had been a good idea to come.

"And the raid?" Esposito continues; a note of accusation in his voice.

"Look, do we have to do this in the hall?" Ryan says quickly, sidestepping.

"Do what?" Esposito asks.

"Argue," Defiantly Ryan holds his gaze and for a moment the two just look at each other, Ryan silently weighing the chance of being allowed inside.

Finally Esposito relents, standing back, holding the door as Ryan passes by. Brushing back past him to shut it.

The room Esposito had been blocking is bathed in late afternoon sunlight. Sloping through the slats in sun-shades to stripe ruled patterns on the carpet.

"You call that arguing?" Javier's voice as Kevin turns to meet his eye.

"I wouldn't call it affectionate banter"

"Why does it have to be either?"

"Because it's us"

The moment between serve and volley stretches out for a moment.

"And we only have two settings?" Javier questions.

"Yeah"

"We can't just talk?"

"That's what I wanted to do"

Javier crosses his arms:

"And how did you just manage to get me to agree to that?"

"Clever banter"

"Is that a third setting?" There's something like a tired smile on Javier's face.

"It was affectionate"

"It was devious"

"I don't always use my powers for good" Kevin flashes a wan smile.

"We caught a killer today man" Javier changes the subject.

"You said that already,"

"I wanted to say it again"

"It's a big deal" Kevin agrees.

"It was a close call"

"Whether or not we'd catch him?"

"You know what I mean"

"I know what you mean" Kevin pauses, raises his eyebrows "You OK?"

"Is that why you're here?"

"I'm here for the banter" Kevin reponds, side-stepping again.

"Not to talk?"

"We are talking"

"Not about anything important"

The conversation double bounces. The point goes to Javier.

"Are you going to start?" Javier asks finally.

"I don't really know where" Nervously Kevin scratches at the back of his neck,

"At the beginning?"

"I'm not sure there's been one." Kevin counters.

"Perhaps I will then"

"Will what?"

"Start"

"You…" Kevin starts, but is cut off:

"This isn't going to work"

The words hang.

"What?" Kevin's voice, when he finds it, is suddenly small.

In response Javier sighs, turns, breaks their gaze for the first time since his partner entered the room:

"This isn't going to work" He repeats, this time speaking away from him.

"Last night?"

"Last night was a mistake" His words are hard, designed to wound.

There's a long pause, Kevin contemplates the back of his partner's head,

"I don't believe you" Kevin's voice gets bigger.

"That's why it was a mistake"

"What?" Stronger.

"You don't think it was a mistake,"

"You're right, I don't, but that's not what I said"

Javier doesn't respond, Kevin continues:

"I said I didn't believe you" Kevin abandons his position in the middle, steps instead toward his partner. "Javi, look at me"

Javier turns slowly, arms still folded.

"Last night didn't come from nowhere" Kevin continues.

"It came from the case" Javier's voice makes Kevin feel like a witness that isn't cooperating.

"That's not how we usually react to a case"

"No" Javier responds.

Kevin holds his ground. Javier rolls his eyes before he continues:

"We were wound up"

"Wound up?"

"Frustrated, whatever"

"Not whatever" Kevin reacts forcefully,

"It was late"

"We've worked later"

"The case was just getting in top of us,"

"Interesting choice of words"

Javier glares before continuing: "Too many leads, not enough facts"

"This isn't about work"

"This is all about work"

"Fact is, they're all just excuses" Kevin points out.

Javier stares at him for a moment, breaking the volley of responses.

"We can't," He starts slowly "We can't be this, and be partners"

"This?" Kevin counters, tentatively.

"This, us, whatever"

"Not whatever" Kevin's voice rises suddenly, before backing off "There's an 'us'?"

"Of course there's an us," A pause "Here, having this damn conversation"

"Skirting this damn conversation"

"Look Kev, this is huge"

"Don't you think I know that?" Kevin's eyes widen "This is the biggest damn thing that's ever happened to me, _you_ are the biggest damn thing that's ever happened to me."

He stops. They both seem surprised by the sudden volume of his voice.

"I'm not just talking about last night" He continues.

For another moment Javier watches him, face blank. Then an exasperated laugh: one loud note on the exhale. He unhooks his arms and his gaze, looking to the walls, the ceiling, opening the distance between them again.

"I can't believe this" He says

"Believe what?

"That I've got myself into this situation."

"It's a situation now?"

"I do this" Javier cuts him off. Short words and a short look.

"Do what?"

"I screw things up"

"Is that what's happening?" Kevin asks a genuine question.

His partner stops dead, looking at him, then grimaces slightly, as if restraining the emotion that is threatening to surface is actually a physical act.

"So is this arguing or affectionate banter?" A different Javier asks.

"Probably the former" Kevin nods slowly.

"We may have to work out that third setting"

"I thought that was what we were doing?"

Javier pauses.

"What are you doing?" He asks finally,

"I think I'm bearing my soul bro,"

"You are?"

"I'll admit, not very eloquently"

"Is that why you're here?" Javier asks.

"Yeah," A stop, "To talk"

"We talk everyday"

"Not like this" Kevin pauses, feeling a little like he's beginning to lose the thread of what he was trying to say, "I don't feel like I'll ever have this conversation with you"

"You are having it with me"

"But today" Kevin starts.

"Today?" Javier cuts him off.

"You were there man,"

"Yeah"

"Would it have happened if it weren't for last night?"

"I don't know"

"I was off my game"

Javier sighs "I don't know that either bro"

"I couldn't stop thinking about…"

"Now do you see what I mean?!" Javier asks suddenly, his anger is like flipping a switch. Kevin gets the feeling he's been bated, the conversation suddenly more about the hunt and kill rather than the bat and ball.

Kevin blinks, "About what?"

"About how this can't happen"

In defiance Kevin merely stares back at him. Javier continues.

"One night, that's all. Caught up in a case, chasing our tails, jumping at shadows," His voice rises on every point "Pacing the goddam apartment, waiting for the damn phone to ring, and then…"

"You kissed me" Kevin's voice is so quiet the world seems to stand still to hear it.

Their eyes lock. Javier's chest rising and falling too fast, he's the one to look away.

"I could debate that"

"The old 'you started it' defense?"

"Something like that"

"I don't actually remember who started it"

"Me either"

"Though it was probably you" Kevin cracks a smile,

"Told you I screw things up" But there's no trace of the earlier anger in the statement.

"How?" Kevin asks, "How did that screw things up?"

"How could it not?!" Javier throws back, turning to lock his gaze back on his partner's.

Kevin reacts physically to that look before he really has time to realize that he is doing so. Stepping up to him his hand cups the side of his face, tipping skin against skin.

Words stop.

There's just the feel of the other, bodies pressed from thigh to forehead, hot breath merged.

Pressed close Kevin watches his partner's cocoa eyes close, watches him pull in a shaky breath, tipping his face closer in the process. He doesn't push away, but neither does he hold on. Javier's hands remain at his sides.

"Javi" Kevin breathes against his partner's mouth. "Javi, how can this not work?"

Javier responds only in frustration, his face screwing up beneath his partners gaze, rolling forehead against forehead. Then strong hands find Kevin's face, clinging with open palms. A touch so desperate it hurts them both.

"I can't do this," Javier chokes out finally. Kevin doesn't dare to speak "I couldn't do this, to you" His eyes open "I'd just chew you up and spit you out."

Kevin swallows. The words hang in the room like their own third witness.

Javier's hands on Kevin's face contract, moving to push him away, but Kevin won't let him go. Hands, arms holding on as Javier moves to retreat. For a moment all is a confusion of moving limbs, of pulling away and pulling closer. Until suddenly Kevin closes that gap and as their lips touch all is still, centered. Every nerve in their bodies ending at that contact.

For long moments more is communicated in silence than can ever be spoken.

Kevin feels Javier relax slowly, fingers easing to caress instead of cling, breath releasing, muscles sloping.

"You need to forget all the excuses" Kevin breathes as they break away, still pressed together.

"They're damn good excuses" Javier's voice is level.

"I know you" Kevin's face is still so close that he can taste his breath, feel the warmth from his skin "You wouldn't do anything to hurt me"

"Not intentionally bro"

"How many times have you had my back?"

"Too many to count"

"I owe you"

"You remember that" Javier's smile. Then a sigh as he nudges their foreheads back together "But this isn't that" He continues,

"It's not?"

"No one trained me for this"

"Me either"

Javier looks at him for a long time and the words, when they come, fall heavy from his mouth: "I've never…" His eyes supply the word his mouth doesn't utter "…like this before"

He sighs, looks away.

"I keep thinking, what if I screw it up?"

"You won't" Kevin's response is simple.

"You're too good for me"

"I'm not"

"I'll break your heart" Javier's voice is quieter.

"You won't"

"That's easy to say"

"I believe it"

"I don't have a whole lot of experience at this"

"At what?" Kevin's tone is light "Dating your partner?"

The moment the words are out of his mouth he realises it is the worst thing he could have said. Javier tenses. Pulls away. The emotions that have thawed ice back over in an instant, the six inches of space he puts between them yawning like a fissure in the glacier.

"I was joking man" Kevin clarifies.

"It's a good point"

"It was a joke"

"Doesn't make it any less true"

"That we're partners?"

"You can't date your partner, there are rules"

"Damn the rules" There's venom in Kevin's voice.

"You won't say that when they have your badge"

"They won't find out"

"And what about the reason for the rules?"

"The reason?"

"What about when some scumbag has a gun in your face and I go crazy at the idea that he might pull the trigger?" Javier's eyes are wide, words passionate "What about when I put everyone in danger to try and stop him? Including you?"

There's a long pause.

Kevin swallows:

"I think we're already there"

Javier had dropped his gaze, but looks up at him then.

"Giving in to this isn't going to change anything Javi" Kevin's blue eyes glitter as he speaks "We're already there"

Slowly Kevin steps forward, testing. When Javier doesn't pull away he moves closer still. Inching forward, coiled to retreat if met by anything close to resistance. None comes. Slowly he presses their bodies back together, creeping their faces close, breathing hot breath across his partner's lips before, achingly slowly, finally capturing them in a kiss. One filled with promise.

"This could take some getting used to" Javier's words. A sigh.

"You're coming round to the idea?"

"I can't make any promises I'll be any good at it"

Kevin stops, raises his eyebrows. Javier almost laughs.

"At us, at whatever 'us' is" Javier clarifies.

"We're both flying blind" Kevin agrees.

"I don't have the best track record"

"I know"

"I know you know"

"And I'm still here" Kevin tips his head and widens his eyes "And none of this 'I couldn't do that _to_ you' crap, we're in this together." A pause as he remembers "Which includes chewing and spitting…"

Javier makes a sound somewhere between a sigh and a laugh.

"I thought I made my point pretty well"

"It was… vivid"

"Shut up"

This time it's Javier who initiates the kiss. Long and slow: a clawing back of time.

"What happened today?" Javier asks as it ends

"Today didn't happen" Kevin responds without thinking, still possessed by the kiss.

"And last night?"

"Last night happened" Kevin can't resist a smile, reveling in the nearness of him.

"Not a lot"

"You kissed me"

"Jury's still out on that"

"Then you left,"

"Yeah"

"Didn't give us a whole lotta time for more to happen"

Javier pulls back slightly to meet Kevin's eye.

"Got all the time in the world now bro" His slow smile.

"You've changed your tune"

"You're very persuasive"

Kevin reaches forward to taste his partner's smirk as it forms.

"Except we don't," Kevin sighs as they break apart a final time, eyes closed. He cannot see him. "Do we bro?"

"No" Javier draws out the word.

"And I can't say today didn't happen"

"No"

"And it wasn't such a close call"

"No"

Javier has begun to draw away; Kevin can feel the emptiness of the air on the parts of him no longer connected to his partner. Thigh to forehead

"And we never got to have this conversation"

"No"

* * *

He raises his hand to knock.

Then stops, fist outstretched.

Instead he flattens out his fingers to rest his palm against the door. Black. Paint chipped around the edges.

He takes a deep breath. Reminds himself of all the times he's done that before.

Like earlier that day.

The moment before a raid. Rounding the corner into the corridor. Taking the left hand flank while his partner takes the right. Mind caught in the heady thought of a single kiss. Distracted.

Suddenly the sight of his partner, pushed to his knees, gun in his face. Finding himself going crazy at the thought that the scumbag might pull the trigger. Breaking protocol. Moving forward. The echo of his shout lost in the confined thunder of a gunshot.

His partner doesn't stand on the other side of this door, poised to pull it open onto a room filled with sloping sunlight and the inarticulate exploration of long suppressed feelings.

Instead his partner lies on a mortuary slab in the basement of the 12th.

Lost before he was found.


End file.
